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[19 Sep 2005|10:25pm] |
It's strange how easily things fall back into routine. School starts, you go, there's classes, time passes, you go home, mom enquires about your day, you do stuff, go to bed, wake up, go to school...
One long routine that serves to put lie to the fact that last summer ever happened. Especially since I never see her anymore. It's like there's this hollow empty space inside me that I'm trying to ignore. I won't call her, and she won't come. I know what was said last time. that was it, Moving On. Those capitals rising out of the shadows to dwarf us both. We agreed, it was right, I know that.
But I never expected it to be like this.
Have you ever had to say goodbye to someone that you loved so much, that you could imagine... Okay, that line of thought isn't helping.
I would be one thing if she were dead, but I knwo she's still there. Somewhere. She just...
So I have this weird twisted shit of being half way between the guy who's been dumped and the widower. Talk about confusing. Plus, she's probably worse - she's all alone. She'd told me more than once that I was the only person she'd been able to talk too. So here am I, selfishly thinking of only me and how this is affecting me and she's probably a hundred times worse. I'm such a shit sometimes. But I don't know what else to do.
Open to anyone who feels like dealing with a self-pitying Billy
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[25 Aug 2005|05:01pm] |
Well, I have been being Mr Organised and I’ve called everyone – or at the very least left messages for them – about going to the Bronze this weekend. It was good catching up with people, though I have to admit that I was a little on the cagey side about where I’ve been all summer. Both Sophie and Jan managed to drag it out of me that I’d been seeing someone, but I didn’t give either of them that much more than that. Talking to Sophie was weird because she seemed to be being as tight-lipped about her relationship with Jordy and I was about my relationship with Maddie – of course that could have had something to do with the fact that one of her first questions was whether I was bringing ‘my girlfriend’ and I hedged on the answer. I think she got the fact that the answer was ‘no’ and she clammed up after that. Nice of her, though I have a feeling she might corner me at the Bronze.
Jan said something about calling Amanda and there was talk of some girl called Jenny turning up – apparently she’s in my year and is the younger sister of Taffy’s boyfriend (is everyone connected to everyone else somehow round here, it’s verging on incestuous at times!) and I left a message for Dawn, which I hope she gets.
It should be a good night.
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| Lonely |
[19 Aug 2005|08:01pm] |
I walked past her place today, windows all broken in, bit of a mess. I saw a shadow in the window, but by then I was turning, walking further on. I don't want to know.
The one thing about having a reputation of being a loner - nobody looks twice when you want to be alone. Though, that said, I wouldn't mind talking to someone. Except Jordy's out because he's not himself right now and I can't talk to Maddie about, well, Maddie. The other girls, well, I don't know them well enough to dump on them.
So it's me and my thoughts - nothing unusual there then.
I just wish I could be sure the pain would go away.
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[18 Aug 2005|07:49am] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
] |
I've been sitting here on the bluff for I have no idea how long now. I know I watched the sun set and the moon rise. I know it's colder now than it was, that the stars seems brighter than they should be.
I should have been there, but I couldn't face it. We didn't talk about it, we didn't say goodbye, I didn't promise to be there, she didn't ask me too. Right until the end we danced around the subject and now it's probably too late. Even with our last kiss we were pretending there would be another, when I turned and walked one way and she turned and walked the other, both looking back every few steps.
I wonder if it was as hard for her to not turn back as it was for me.
The bluff seemed to be the natural place to come, I just followed my feet. I don't know when it'll be done - I never did find out how the spell worked, didn't want to know. I guess it's probably done by now - after all, it's officially the 18th now. God, that makes me feel empty, this big hole and...
Wonder what she'd say if she knew I'd been crying - probably tell me I'm being stupid or something. Be nice if she could slap me for it, I'd happily take that if it meant she could. But she can't and so...
I should go home but I don't want to. Don't want to be here much either, but at least there's space here.
Maddie
"Maddie?"
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| One last night |
[12 Aug 2005|03:09pm] |
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mood |
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 determined |
] |
Less than a week. It’s hardly worth thinking about, but I can’t avoid it anymore.
I’ve made excuses to mom, telling her I’m staying at a friend’s tonight. I’ve dipped into some of my savings, booked a table at a restaurant. One last proper night, one last night where we can pretend it’s not all coming to an end, where we can avoid the fact the furniture’s been moved back in the living room to make space for the circle, where we can pretend that the world’s not about to fall in.
Just one last night.
Maybe the night after that.
[Open for Maddie]
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| Excuses and explanations |
[08 Aug 2005|10:56pm] |
How do you explain this to a worried parent. I mean, I could tell her the truth - Yes mom, I was in hospital most of the night becasue I was strolling down the street with my girlfriend who died in the 1930s and how's going to be dead again in under a fornight and who, incidentally I'm sleeping with just in case you didn't think your baby boy was already nuts enough, when we were attacked by a witch who threw a lightning bolt or something at me that burnt my arm and knocked me unconcious, but it's okay as I'm fairly sure something killed her, but I don't know what.
Very comforting.
I managed to convince the doctor at the hospital that mom was out of town for the night, so they didn't call her. I had to tell her I'd been when I got in so she could get the insurance people on it, but I got her to believe the same story as the docs at the hospital - that I'd been playing around with lighter fluid and matches. yeah, it made me sound damn stupid, but at least they're not locking me up for believing in magic.
The worst thing was having to pretend to mom that Maddie didn't exist, that I'd been there all night alone, but I can't tell mom about Maddie - she'd only want to know what happened after and that's more than I can explain. I guess the only person who actually knows what's going on is Jordy and I haven't exactly kept in contact with him recently. Hell, I hope he got his problems sorted out, I really shoulda checked in over the summer.
I've been so wound up in my own life that I've basically abandoned my friends. But for all that I feel like a dumbass for doing that, I can't regret it. I've known all summer that my time with Maddie is limited, so I'll take what I can while I can. I just hope everyone else understands.
We talked some, maddie and I, in the waiting room. About what's going to happen, about the future. I guess thatafter tonight it all seemed a little more real. We didn't really cme to any conclusioins - I think that's my fault as much as anything. I can't see, I don't want to see, passed her going. Which really puts a limit on the whole 'talking' thing, but that's how it is.
I wonder if things would have been easier if I hadn't told her I loved her.
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[06 Aug 2005|11:36pm] |
Time has made me turn in on myself even more, has shrunk my world even as it speeds up. I swear there used to be more hours in the day. Every morning I wake up and it's another day gone, the inexorable passage of time seems to be eating away at me and I can't ignore it any longer.
You can tell, right - because I didn't used to write like this. But I feel like time is mocking me - 11 days. It's so little time.
I try not to show it. I try not to act like I'm aware of it, like it's affecting me. Maddie and I, we haven't talked about it - it a forbidden subject, an unwritten rule that it won't be discussed, that we'll live for now and ignore the future.
It's becoming harder to ignore, especially in the dead of night when I should be sleeping, when I instead lie awake and thing about my life in 12 days time.
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| Leaving |
[27 Jul 2005|03:16pm] |
It was a shame to leave her this morning and I very nearly stayed, but mom didn't know I ws going to be out all night and i had to get back before she got up if I was to avoid all those annoying mom questions and I have a feeling that Maddie wouldn't be the easiest person to explain away - at least, not without having to do a whole heap more explaining in a few weeks - which I've already decided I'm not thinking about because nothing can spoil my mood right now.
I sat and watched her sleep for the longest time - she's so beautiful when she sleeps. She's so beautiful anyway, but I've decided she's more so when she sleeps. I could watch her like that forever. And I'm finally satisfied that the nightmares have gone - nobody could look that peaceful and deep asleep, I swear. I didn't go into her dreams last night - she sat and watched me as I went through the meditations to make sure I didn't, this weird little smile on her face. I guess it's a side of me she's never seen before - it's a side of me that nobody's ever seen before and it felt weirdly intimate, letting her see that - especially when you consider everything else that went on last night. It was a nice kind of intimate though.
It's getting harder - not thinking about the future. It's like this big shadow looming over everything that we're constantly avoiding talking about. I guess we'll have to face it sooner or later, but later is better for me. I just - I'm afraid that if we talk about it, she's going to try and be all mature and responsible and stop this thing we've got going, this thing that neither of us dares give a name and I don't want that - hell, I can't stop this, I don't want to stop this. Even if it makes things harder in the long run, I don't want to give her up until I absolutely have to.
But still, I had to leave her this morning whilst she was still sleeping. I got home before mom woke up and slipped into bed. I'm thinking of having a shower and going back there soon, to explain if nothing else.
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| Broken promises |
[17 Jul 2005|11:37am] |
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mood |
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determined |
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I promised her I wouldn't. I said that I'd stay out. But I can't, I won't. Not after today, not after talking to her. I can't leave her with dreams of her own death, not like that, not when I can do something about it, make her feel better, make the bad dreams go away. I can't stand here like some helpless boy and let her go through that. And I won't.
I figure she doesn't need to know it's me. I could get into the dream, figure out what's going on, make some changes without her realising. It can be done.
Okay, so I don't actually know that - I've never done it before, but I'm sure it must be possible. And I figure it's worth the risk.
I just have to figure out how to do it. I'm pretty sure that I'm not going to get away with sleeping under her window, but I don't think I'll need that - I feel close to her in, well, in other ways. Emotional type ways. But I've never tried to pinpoint someone's dream before, like a specific someone. I don't even know if I can do that. So I figure I'm going to be taking several huge leaps of faith tonight, but it's worth it. For her, it's all worth it.
( DreamWalking )
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| Trying to do the right thing |
[07 Jul 2005|05:57pm] |
So, Maddie and I went for coffee and, well, talked. Never did get back round to the whole kissing thing, which I'd be pissed about if I wasn't feeling so guilty about mentally listing that as more important than what caused everything in the first place.
Maddie mentioned that Ms Dante had a boyfriend - Jordan. Apparently he's a music teacher at school, so maybe I've seen him around. Anyway, I figured that I should go see him, tell him what I know about Ms Dante. Seems to be the right thing to do, the least I can do. Maddie gave me the address, so now all I gotta do is see if he's home.
[Open to Jordan - and Taffy if she wants in]
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[01 Jul 2005|09:14am] |
I haven't seen anything of Maddie since I left Ms Dante's house. She'll probably be mad at me next time I see her for not calling her - not that I've had any reason to, but she gets bored and everything. Normally she'd bug me just for the hell of it, but maybe that's not as much fun now that school's out.
Life's been fairly quiet lately - I've been helping mom repaint the porch - kind of a summer project she gave me, which is fine by me. It's outside and the weather's good - plus there's this really cute girl who lives across the street and it gives me an excuse to smile at her when she walks past. Who knows, maybe we'll get talking eventually.
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| School is boring |
[25 May 2005|10:32pm] |
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That about sums it up, really. Everything's just about the routine. Go to school, go to class, come home, done homework, eat dinner, mediate, go to bed, get up, go to school... Okay, so there's the occasional trip to the Bronze, or some intensive TV watching, but mostly? My life is boring, dull, all those other words you generally wouldn't think of using to describe Sunnydale. But believe me - life on the Hellmouth isn't all that exciting most of the time. Sure, occasionally there's the odd monster, a few beasties, but once you learn to avoid the usual vampire crowd and don't go wandering round graveyards and the back alleys in town at night, it's not so bad.
It doesn't help that I have work up to my eyeballs trying to pass the extra classes they lumped on me this late in the year. Which generally means my evenings are spent sequestered in my bedroom, listening to music and looking through books. Sometimes I think it was better when I had basic classes and no sleep.
Actually, scrap that, it's not. Least this way I might have a life after high school. And I might survive to live it too.
I;ve been thinking of calling up Maddy - just to see if she'd come. Test the theory and all. Just in case - you never know when a ghost could come in handy. Not sure what for, exactly, but still...
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[20 May 2005|12:44pm] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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It's strange how things work out sometimes, isn't it? I met the guy Maddie told me about - the werewolf. Turns out I already knew him. He was a friend of Jan's that I met the other night at the Bronze. Jordy - nice guy, little on the quiet side (but then who am I to criticise that, hardly the most talkative guy myself), seemed to be more of a 'stand on the sidelines and watch' type. Those were my first impressions, anyway - that and the fact that there was something weird going on between him and this other girl in our group, Sophie.
I wouldn't have put him down as the 'werewolf' type (if there even is such a thing, there probably isn't) but he told me he was. Course, I might not have believed him, except the fact that we were sitting in the middle of his dream with his ShadowWolf image at our feet kinda gave it away a bit. Funny how that has an effect on your willingness to take things at face value.
Yeah, that's right - I fell asleep in class. Not a good move, but at least it answers one question. I'd been wondering lately if I had to do the mediatations everytime I wanted to sleep, or whether just every now and then would do. Answer: gotta be everytime.
Which isn't good when you're sitting in the world's most boring class with the blinds shut in the middle of a hot day. Not good at all - that way definitely leads to badness (or, in this case, more of a weirdness thing). I feel asleep, so did he (and probably half the class, but I generally end up in the dream of the person I know best, which, with my less than great circle of friends appears to be Jordy) and suddenly I'm Walking. Not good - especially when this ShadowWolf appeared and started circling me. I couldn't get a fix on the dream (if I can figure out the key to the dream, I can control it - it's safer for me that way), but the whole thing clicked into place when I found out about the werewolf thing. Interesting - the guy dreams in smells as well as sights. Seeing the world through his eyes was like some kind of weird hallucinagenic trip or something - a little too real, if you know what I mean.
I discovered something else though, something I didn't know before. I got him to wake up, Jordy I mean. I told him how to do it, just explained it and suddenly he knew how. I guess that the difference that allowed me to find out I could do this was that his dream was calm, peaceful somehow - laid back like he seems to be. Most people, they're, well, disorganised, all over the place. He was quite happy just to sit down and chat, which threw me a bit (did I mention the added weird of being stared at by a talking wolf at the same time). Usually I don't get to talk to my Dreamers (not anymore, I learnt that the hard way, but I guess there are exceptions), so never got to see if I could get them to control their own dreams, rather than me doing it for them (which rarely goes down well with their subconcious).
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| The Bronze |
[05 May 2005|08:17pm] |
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mood |
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 chipper |
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Well, here I am, at the Bronze, alone. Not quite how I imagined this one going, but hopefully Janice will turn up at some point with the friends she promised to bring along. Or, hey, alone - which would be good for me! I mean, cute girl, dancing - I could deal with her being here all on her own.
But seriously, in my wildest dreams? Not gonna happen, so I'm happy with girl with other equally cute friends...
[open to Dawn, Jan, Sophie, Jordy, Amanda - whoever wants to turn up at the Bronze]
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[02 May 2005|11:28pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
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So, a step forward. I haven;t really made many friend recently. In fact, I've gone out of my way to avoid making friends since I came to high school - a guy has to do what he can to preserve his sanity after all. But things have been changing lately and now I have the dreamws under control I had decided to try for a normal life - and that means friends and going out and possibly girls and the suual teenage stuff.
To be honest, I'm not sure - other than what I've read. I've tried to avoid others for the past 4 years, hoping that if I don't know them, that's one less dream to fall into, one less nightmare to invade.
Strange, if you'd have asked me as a kid, I would have thought it would be the coolest thing to be able to walk in other people's dreams, to know what they wnated, their deepest desires. To know what they feared, their deepest nightmares.
But it's not. To walk in their dreams, where anything can happen, where they can change you to a rat if they so wish, should you guard be down - should you be any less thatn totally awake. Or to be trapped in their nightmares where not even total vigilance can protact you from the waorst their imagination can devise.
It is anything but fun.
Yet hopefully the dark years are behind me and I can look to the future.
I met a girl, Jan, who invited me to the Brinze to meet some of her friends. I fugures, what the hell - my pastis over, right? Time I moced out into the real world. Stopped living in the shadow of the Hellmouth.
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| And the days go by one by one |
[27 Apr 2005|10:10pm] |
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So much for being a 'normal' kid - that kind of thing is hard to do when you hold indepth conversations with a ghost in the waiting room of the counsellor's office. But, hey - it was deadly boring otherwise, and a guy's got to find entertainment where he can.
So, I have the list of the extra classes I have to add to my schedule. Thought they would give me more choice than I got, but apparently 'there aren't many spaces available' (in other words they don't give a damn about what I want and just jammed me in wherever to keep mom off their backs about giving me a shot at college). To be honest, most of them I can live with, but why they gave me a Lit class, I'll never know - me and the whole 'creative writing' thing aren't best buds, if you know what I mean.
I had hoped that would see the end of my counselling thing - it being I'm all better and stuff, but they want me to keep going, make sure I'm coping or whatever. Like they really give a damn - I'm just there to make up their hours to get paid every month. Back in Junior High I used to take the sessions seriously - y'know, go, talk about my issues, whatever. Soon realised that they didn't give a damn whether I slept for 8 minutes or 8 hours or what was causing it. Enough random nodding and grunts in the right places and you get the message - they don't care, long as they look like they do to the parents and PTA. Whatever - can't blame them really. Know I wouldn't be inspired to listen to kids moan about their problems all day. I've better things to do. Like slit my wrists.
Anyway, so it looks like I'm stuck with the sessions - least til I can convince them I'm stable for good.
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| Just when you thought it was safe... |
[25 Apr 2005|04:52pm] |
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mood |
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You know, I wouldn’t have tried so hard to get rid of the dreams if I’d have known it would come to this.
It’s great and all, being able to sleep at night – drifting down into the welcoming blackness, rather than being trapped in someone’s nightmare or wandering around in their dreams as if I’m fully awake. Nice to wake up in the morning refreshed and ready for the day, rather than looking like death most of the time.
Even mom has noticed, and I guess that’s why I’m here, sitting outside the Counsellor’s office, to talk about ‘where I should go from here, now that I’m feeling so much better’. Damn – why are school counsellor’s so cheery all the time. So peppy and upbeat. That alone is enough to drive a guy into a deep depression.
Apparently it is the feeling of the school (since when have Counsellors spoken for the school?) that now that my illness has ‘abated’ I should take on some more classes and try to catch up on the work I’ve missed (hell, I still don’t know what’s wrong with coasting through the minimum number of classes to pass every grade, that was fine by me) and that ‘a boy of my abilities’ (how condescending can you get?) should be setting my sights on college.
Which means that mom has been on to the school because how else do they know (or care) what my ‘abilities’ are. After all, I’ve been like the walking dead (not literally, because I’ve seen them and I’m not that bad) for the past four years since I woke from that damn coma and no way have I been working anywhere near like I probably could. Staying with it long enough to pass the grade was as far as my ambitions went. So, it has to be mom.
Have to give her credit though, she’s been great over the years. It wasn’t easy, what with my dad being arrested for beating the hell out of the Coach once I woke up and told everyone what happened. Then the divorce and him leaving. Me and my problems couldn’t have helped that much, I know that – she had nightmares enough about what was going on, but at least I learnt to navigate hers, unlike some of the others I got stuck in.
Hopefully all that’s a thing of the past now though. The meditations seem to be working. I still do them every night before I go to sleep and it’s been almost 6 months since I dreamwalked and almost 3 since I dreamed anything at all. The blackness is nice, the still emptiness of sleep. It’s all I ever wanted.
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